From the Front Lines
Greenville, SC – Cartoonist Jack Chick released yet another Gospel tract through his Bible-Belt mouthpiece, Chick Publications, despite Emergent Village reports that the aging Fundamentalist had been killed in the Colorado mountains during their campaign against the Bullhorn Guy.Chick Publications had this to say with the release of the new tract:
“Jack Chick hath survived the onslaught of these carnal Christians falsely-so-called who use the Great Satan’s Bible, and is still writing more glorious gospel tracts at this very moment. The LORD straighteneth the crooked highways for the righteous, and raiseth the valleys for His name’s sake, leveling the hills; He confoundeth the ways of the wicked. He clears a way for his chosen to escape through the very midst of infidels; even a great company of heathen. May the blood of Jesus be pleaded. Chick is Great! Chick is Great!”
Lt. Gen. Brian D. McLaren insisted that the tract must have been sketched prior to Chick’s death in the Colorado caves, and was being released at this point in order to revitalize the hundreds of remaining Fundamentalist cells scattered throughout the Southern US.
“[Chick] Publications knows how inspiring a leader like Jack was, and that if they release one of his previous tracts now, it will stir up the hearts of their fighting fundies, knowing that their fearless leader is still alive and kicking; drawing their reductionist gospel.”
The AP (Apostolic Press) interviewed several Emergents involved in the battle in Colorado, who had this to say:
“There’s no way an eighty-year old fundamentalist like Chick could escape the pounding we gave him. His years of stating propositional truth are over. I mean; honestly – he started writing tracts in the 1970’s, he’s now on dialysis, insulin pumps, cathaders, and enemas daily by now, hiding out in caves, running away through the desert from cruise missiles, flashy DVD layouts, techno music, mystery and postmodernity. There is no way he could have escaped. We got him.”
In the brand-new tract, entitled “Muffins?”, the well known character Bob, while visiting an old drinking buddy named Tom, uses the opportunity of his wife burning a batch of apple-bran muffins to tell the Bible story of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego, and to explain that if we reject Christ we will burn in the Devil’s Hell just like the muffins. Tom and his wife end up joining the Roman Catholic church, setting up the reader for Part 2, indicating that Chick is not ready to throw in the towel just yet. Sources say that he plans to be on the run for many months, writing more adventures for Bob in his Bible Tract Series, which Chick Publications has announced will be made into a HBO special.Forensic Theologian Gary McRuthers believe that Bob’s quoting of Deuteronomy 7.2 in one of the frames is a hidden message to sleeper cells of Bullhorn Guys situated across America, which has encouraged Mars Hill (Grad Rapids) to vamp up it’s distribution of Nooma videos and Kalashnikovs to youth groups nationwide. Rob Bell was quoted in a news release saying that his intentions were to “prepare the youth of America for engaging the fundamentalists in the streets, in the highways, in the byways, in the pulpits, on the beaches, and on the fields,” before throwing in a few random catch phrases about trampolines and to make a plug for his most recent book, Sex God.
And despite it’s insistence that they did “terminate” the ministry of Chick in the foothills of Colorado, reports say that Emergent Black Hawks have started combing the battle site once more, with ground troops searching the caves that were destroyed with mortars and missiles weeks earlier.
Mark Driscoll could not be reached for comment, although sketchy sources say that the pastor of Mars Hill (Seattle) is secretly wiring funds to Bullhorn Guys, causing many high-level Emergents to call for the freezing of his tithes.
And while the battle raged with all the visible weapons and registered human generals, the enemy moved unhindered and undetected. In the end, victory was declared by all and defeat assigned by all protagonists to each antagonists and vice versa. It was a glorious and meaningless day.
Later, it was discovered in the writings of some ancient manuscripts, that victory had been achieved before the battle began. So all the many ingenious and convoluted strategies birthed in the serotonin war room whose purpose was to destroy the human enemies were, uh, useless.
So how was manifested victory to be achieved? Believe, reflect, and wait. Surely it couldn’t be that easy. Indeed, it wasn’t (see The Cross).
Tyler!
What do you think? “A little leaven leavens the whole lump”. What if some of Mr. Bell’s teachings are truly “dangerous” and the accurate things he says are undermined fatally by the leading astray of folk who come to trust him as an authority?
DM Lloyd Jones says heresy can also be defined by what is omitted as well as what is said wrongly…